As with most aspects of wedding plannng in these freewheeling times, the style for remarriage is largely a matter of personal choice. From a sedate civil ceremony to a full-blown church wedding, anything goes! The boundaries of good taste are your only limits.

In this article, we will take a frank look at the various circumstances surrounding remarriage, and examine the pros and cons, the do's and don'ts of private versus traditional second or third (or even fourth!) weddings.

Divorce is, logically, the number-one circumstance leading to remarriage, with widow/widowhood (except amongst senior citizens) a distant second. However, the reasons for an outcome of divorce in today's society are many and varied and are good indicators of the kind of remarriage ceremony and attendant activities you might plan.

Unlike past generations, people today are less likely to remain in a marriage which has insurmountable problems - the U.S. divorce rate has edged up over 50%. And also unlike the past, divorce is not frowned upon the way it used to be. Nowadays, divorce may be encouraged by members of the counseling and legal professions, and even many clergy, as a final solution to problems which cannot be worked out.

And so, here we go into the rarely charted territory of planning for a wedding that's not your first. (And remember, this will be a "frank" discussion.)

THE BIG CELEBRATION
The answer to the question "Is a big wedding appropriate?" lies in your heart, guided by circumstance. By "big wedding" we mean a public religious and/or civil ceremony, followed by a full dinner/reception. Once thought to be the exclusive territory of first-timers, the big wedding for remarriages is quiet common today. Here are some of the most common instances; see if your circumstances fit the bill.

1. A NEW BEGINNING
You have gone through a bad marriage and an even worse divorce; your intimates encouraged you to get out of the marriage. You have developed a new relationship with the person of your dreams; this time you're really sure. Go for it! Your family and friends will surely be supportive and with to fully celebrate this fresh start with you.

You have been widowed. After an appropriate period of mourning, you began dating again. No one you meet measures up to the memories of your first spouse. And then, lo and behold, you finally meet someone who's right for you (perhaps another widow or widower). A relationship develops - one which stands on its own without overshadowing or being overshadowed by the spectre of your first marriage. You wish to share the news with everyone. And everyone who cares will be most happy to see you happy again and will absolutely wish to help you celebrate.

2. THIS WILL BE YOUR FIRST BIG AND/OR CHURCH WEDDING
You eloped with your high school sweetheart at 18 and were married in another state or country by a Justice of the Peace. After several years of struggling, things just didn't work out and you've called it quits.

You've built a new life for yourself and become independent. Along the way, you meet another person who fits your lifestyle and you're ready to try again. This would be the big wedding of which you've always dreamed, but never had. And don't forget, most parents would most likely have been wishing for the same thing. Everyone will want to be there when you start your life afresh.

Most religions allow for second marriages under certain conditions, proof of annulment and/or divorce being, of course, the most critical. Even the Catholic church which bans second marriages after divorce encourages remarriage in the Church provided the original ceremony was not recognized by the Church (a civil or other religious ceremony not blessed by a priest).

3. IT'S THE FIRST MARRIAGE FOR YOUR FIANCE(E)
Even if you've already gone through a church wedding and full reception, your fiance(e) may have never been married before. If your intended has always wished for a big wedding, you may well wish to make your decision based on that alone. No one should be denied the excitement of a first-time wedding day for any reason.

4. PLACES EQUAL IMPORTANCE ON NEW MARRIAGE
By planning and throwing a big wedding and reception, you are publicly declaring your happiness your good prospects for a new beginning. Mabye your first marriage ended in divorce, but that is not necessarily a reason to place any less importance on the new marriage; you are going to do it right this time.

In the case of widowhood, remarriage will not devalue or push aside your first marriage. Widowhood at a young age, especially if there are children, is one of the toughest things to get through. If you've found someone new who is righ t for you, everyone who cares about you will be glad to see you happy again and will be able to celebrate with you, while still honoring the memory of your first spouse.
And now, some other considerations.

THE CHILDREN
You will, as the second most important item, need to consider the positions of the children from either or both previous marriages. Include them in the plans and, if possible, in the wedding party. Make sure the children know that they are a fully integral part of the new life you're planning and that their wishes and feelings are of utmost importance.

We know of a couple with two grade-school aged children who were divorced and lived apart for 15 years. They eventually drifted back to each other, fully reconciled, and finally decided to remarry. Their children, both in college at the time, served as Best Man and Maid of Honor at the ceremony!

Never, never, never speak ill of an ex-spouse with whom the children still have a relationship. That's over. The children need to know that your new partner will not usurp the place, attachment and importance of their other parent. In the case of a still-bereaved child, make sure they know that your new spouse is not taking the place of your deceased mate, but is taking a "new" place and will be playing a "new" role in the family.

The relationship between a potential stepparent and children from a previous marriage is of utmost importance as a guide post in deciding on remarriage and should remain an important indicator for your wedding plans.

THE GIFTS
Don't get too excited here! Greed is never the motivation behind planning a big wedding. (Or at least it is never supposed to be.) But if this is to be a new beginning, shouldn't there be new things to share with your new spouse? Gifts and ceremonies build lasting memories, and your family and friends will most surely wish to help you get off to a good start. As far as the feeling that you're asking too much by going all out the second time around, both traditional and contemporary etiquett dictate that people who attend your first wedding are not obligated to bring a gift to the second; the choice is with the giver.

COMMON QUESTIONS

1. SHOULD IT BE A PRIVATE CEREMONY?
Planning for a small, private ceremony, religious or civil, is mostly a matter of personal choice. Your reason for choosing to "do it small" is a private decision:
- It is just not your style to have a large, elaborate wedding.
- The size of your new extended family would make it financially impossible.
- It may be only a short time since the death of your spouse and you feel it would not be appropriate.
- You may have been the cause of of the divorce and don't wish to advertise your new situation.
- You have set a date for the near future and you just don't have the time to plan an elaborate event.

Whatever the reason, if you wish to have a small wedding, certainly do so.

2. SHOULD BE BRIDE WEAR WHITE?
Years ago, the answer was an absolute no. But nowadays, it's a matter of personal choice (within the bounds of good taste). Discuss this with your fiance and your family and then decide. Two common solutions are:
- A traditional, but off-white gown
- A non-traditional gown in white

3. SHOULD YOU INVITE YOUR EX'S FAMILY (OR EVEN YOUR EX)?
Uncontested, amicable and sometimes even friendly divorces are a reality these days. So who gets invited? As a for instance, let's say you were in a bad marriage and your in-laws knew their child was the problem. They were supportive of you during the bad times and acted honorably during divorce proceedings. You had a close relationship with them have remained in contact with them after the divorce. (This is most common in cases where there are grandchildren.) If you'd like to invite them to your remarriage, by all means, do so! This goes for all the members of your ex-extended family if you are still in contact and friendly. This can even mean, and we've actually seen it in the last few years, inviting your ex, especially if there are young children. Just remember to include your current mate in the decision and employ good taste and common sense.

4. SHOULD EVERYTHING BE FORMAL?
If that's your choice, by all means. If you'd like something informal, that's okay, too. The best way around this question may be "semiformal" - little things that could take the edge off the situation:

- Handwritten invitations from the bride and groom instead of engraved one's from the bride's parents
- A small head table, just the bride, groom and honor attendants
- A private ceremony followed by a big party.

Finally, it is important to realize that planning for your remarriage is just as important, and sometimes even more so, than your first. There is much to contemplate, it's not just a matter of a few quick decisions this time around. Consult your family, especially your children; discuss everything with your clergy person; and, most importantly, use your common sense and good taste.